Why You're Arguing About the Dishes (And What It's Really About)

It's not about the dishes.

You’re standing at the kitchen sink. The dishwasher is half-full, but somehow it’s the dishes that have become the battleground. Maybe you’re annoyed your partner left their coffee mug there again, or they think you’re overreacting to the “pile-up.” Sound familiar?

If you’re nodding along, you’re definitely not alone. But here’s the thing: the fight about the dishes? It’s almost never really about the dishes.

The Real Story Behind Everyday Arguments

In couples counselling and marriage therapy sessions, we often see that conflicts like these are really about deeper emotional needs. According to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), these everyday disagreements are often “attachment dances.” That means when your relationship feels insecure or unsafe, your brain moves into a more limbic black and white function and looks for signs of connection or rejection. A simple issue — like who’s washing the dishes — becomes a sort of symbol of deeper feelings of being disconnected, feeling unappreciated, or alone.

Think about it this way: arguing about the dishes is often about whether we feel seen or ignored. It’s about whether you feel your partner has your back or if you’re alone in the relationship. This taps right into what attachment science teaches us: humans are wired for safety and connection. When we don’t feel safe, our nervous system gets triggered, and we react in ways that might seem small or even silly—but underneath, there’s a lot going on.

Why Your “Dish Fight” Might Be a Cry for Connection

When your partner leaves dishes out, maybe they’re not trying to annoy you on purpose. Maybe they’re distracted, stressed, or feeling unseen in other areas. When you get irritated and bring it up, your partner might feel criticized or attacked, triggering their own attachment fears — like feeling rejected or not good enough.

So, the dishes aren’t the problem. They’re a symptom of bigger feelings that might be stuck: “I need you to notice me,” or “I’m afraid you’re pulling away,” or “I want to feel like we’re a team.”

A Simple 3-Step Exercise to Turn “Dish Wars” into Connection:

Here’s a quick exercise you can try next time the dishes (or anything else) cause friction. This is the kind of practical tool we often use in couples counselling and marriage therapy sessions to help partners feel safer and more connected.

Step 1: Pause and Identify Your Deeper Feeling

Before jumping into the argument, pause and ask yourself: What am I really feeling right now? Is it frustration, loneliness, fear, or maybe feeling unimportant? Try to put a name on the deeper emotion behind the irritation.

Also, What am I believing…about myself…about my relationship? Just pausing to listen in to your thoughts can really help you understand what’s vulnerable and what internal stories might be contributing to it. 

Step 2: Share the vulnerable stuff, Using “I” Statements

Instead of blaming (“You never help!”), try sharing your feeling and need: “I feel overwhelmed and like I’m doing this alone. I really need to feel like we’re in this together.” This invites your partner in without triggering defensiveness.

Step 3: Listen and Validate Your Partner’s Experience

Give your partner space to share how they feel too. Maybe they’re stressed at work, exhausted, or feeling criticized in other ways. Reflect back what you hear:

“It sounds like you’ve been really worn out lately and didn’t mean to leave the dishes.” Validation helps your partner feel safe and understood, calming their attachment/defence system.

Why This Matters in Couples Counselling and Marriage Therapy

This approach comes from Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, a leading model in couples counselling and marriage therapy that helps partners build safety and connection. When you move past surface fights and tune into each other’s vulnerable feelings and needs, you’re rewiring your attachment patterns — from distance and conflict to closeness and teamwork.

So next time you’re caught in a “dish fight,” remember: the dishes aren’t the enemy. They’re just the messenger. And by tuning into what’s really going on beneath the surface, you’re building a stronger, safer relationship.

If you’re interested in learning more about how couples counselling or marriage therapy can help you and your partner navigate these challenges reach out to our team for support.

Stay tuned to The Relationship Lab for more insights and practical exercises rooted in attachment science and trauma-informed care.