Time-Outs Aren’t Just for Kids: 6 Ways to Calm Conflict in Your Relationship

Arguments can escalate fast - but it's often the nervous system, not just the issue at hand. Taking a time-out can stop your arguments from blowing up.

Let’s be honest—we’ve all reached a boiling point in an argument with a partner or family member. Maybe your heart races, your voice gets louder, or you suddenly feel like you're going to burst. That’s not just “losing it”—it’s your nervous system in overdrive.

In couples counselling and family therapy, we often see that the heat of the moment is rarely the best time to work things out. That’s why learning how to take a proper adult "time-out" can make a huge difference in calming conflict and rebuilding connection.

Here are six therapist-approved ways to take space without pulling away:

1. Create a Shared “Time-Out” Signal

Choose a signal (verbal or non-verbal) that you both agree on—like a hand "T" or a simple phrase. It should feel neutral and respectful, never sarcastic or shaming. The goal? A quick way to say, “Let’s pause before this gets out of hand.”

2. Know Your Conflict Cues

Every couple has patterns—name-calling, defensiveness, blame, or withdrawal. In marriage counselling, we help partners identify these "tell-tale signs" before things spiral. The better you know your cycle, the easier it is to hit the brakes early.

3. Define What a Time-Out Means

Does taking a break feel like rejection to one of you? Or relief to the other? Talk about what time-outs represent so both partners understand: this is about protecting the relationship, not abandoning it. This conversation, had before things blow up, can be a game-changer in executing a healthy time out and saving you and your loved one from a lot of grief. We strongly recommend the pre-emptive planning in our family counselling and couples therapy sessions.

4. Make a Time-Out Agreement

As part of the planning, agree on how long the break should be. Research shows at least 45 minutes helps the nervous system reset. Don’t leave it open-ended—set a time to reconnect, ideally within 24 hours. The person who called the break? They’re in charge of reaching back out.

5. Use the Break Wisely

Don’t stew in frustration. Instead, do something to calm your system: breathe deeply, go for a walk, stretch, or listen to music. In therapy, we call this self-regulation—and it’s essential for resolving conflict in a healthy way. It is even more effective if you can use a somatic tools like breath work or grounding to help re-instate your social engagement system.

6. Reconnect Before Rehashing

When you come back together, start with repair—not the fight. Come back to the table with an open heart, ready to acknowledge if you caused any hurts. Share three things you appreciate about each other. Remind each other of your good intentions. Once you’re both emotionally present, you can revisit the issue from a grounded place.

Final Thoughts

Whether you're in marriage counselling, navigating parenting stress in family therapy, or just trying to argue less, these six tools can help create more safety and less stress. Time-outs aren’t about avoiding conflict—they’re about respecting each other enough to pause, cool down, and come back stronger.

Reflection Prompts

* What’s one sign that tells you it’s time for a break in an argument?

* How do you usually feel after taking space—calmer, more clear, or still flooded?

Want more real-life tools for relationship repair? Check out more from The Relationship Lab, where we share practical insights from our family counselling and couples therapy practice.